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Greetings, fine Madisonians:
For those of you who thought I was dead, I am very much alive. For those of you who thought I was married, I'm very much single. And for those of you who thought I was bald ... I have clean white teeth.
CRUSHES
I've had more classmates contacting me about setting up this profile than I had dates in high school: two. Char Riggleman would have been my second date, but she went to the prom with Bubba Kanz. Instead, I went and played pool at Park Lanes with Brad Johnson. We had fun, but he just didn't look as good as Char in heels and a dress. By the way, other women I had a crush on included Patty Brannon, Brenda Gehart and Brenda Switzer. I wrote a song for Brenda Switzer when I was in 11th grade called "And I Always Will." (That's track 9 on my CD for the two of you who bought it.) Man, she was smokin'. True story: About two years ago I hired a 20-something employee at work and couldn't figure out why I was so smitten with her. Then I realized she looked like Brenda Switzer. I promoted her the day after she started ... twice. She's MY boss now.
I saw Patty Brannon at the Best Western a few years after high school. She looked hot. I was going to ask her out but I heard she was dating one of the teachers from the school. I hate teachers. (By the way, where were the hot, sexy female teachers who were hitting on the kids when I was in school, damn it?) I think Patty would have gone out with me, though, if her teacher friend had been kidnapped or taken to Mexico or something. Hmmmm...
In 7th grade I had a crush on Cheryl Amstutz. She used to get up on the auditorium stage at Madison North and dance with some of the other girls in our class. They would dance to the song "Do the Locomotion." She was sexy, man. (I can say that without sounding creepy because I was only 12 when I was thinking it.) Cheryl had these hot, painted-on white bellbottoms -- sizzlin', man. I thought about asking her out once, but realized that would require a couple of things I didn't have: balls. Now, whenever I hear the song "Do the Locomotion" I think about calling up Cheryl and asking her if she'd like to go out ... with her husband ... and her kids.
About Me
I currently live in Los Angeles and serve as the Chief Creative Officer for an international public relations agency called Cohn & Wolfe. We represent clients ranging from Hilton Hotels to Ford to Taco Bell to Warner Studios, as well as some C-level celebrities -- mainly Reality TV "stars." (By the way, where were all these shows when I was young and acting like a dick? Now they're paying people to act stupid. I did it for you mullet-heads for free. The most I ever got was an apple crisp dessert from the cafeteria that Randy Carroll gave to me for imitating Mr. Sergeant behind his back. (Whatever happened to Mr. Sergeant anyway? I swore I saw him on "America's Most Wanted.")
OTHER STUFF
I wrote and published a CD of songs which did not sell but that led me to a fairly lucrative career as a drink-coaster salesmen with the remaining 1,000 CDs I now have in storage. four of my songs, however, did make it into the movies, including the Box Office flop "Showgirls." I also wrote and produced an independent film with my Madisonian buddy Vic Kakavas. It was never distributed, but did manage to win a couple Film Festival awards. It's called "Cold Sweat," which, interestingly, is what I breakout into whenever I think of all the money I spent producing it. I have also written a 710-page book called "Faking the Corporate Orgasm," but literary agents call it "overwritten" and "verbose" -- kind of like this profile.
I remain the King of all Unpublished Media.
Go Rams.
